The Secret Adventures of The Fellowship x POTC
by Larien Melwasul
Summary: What happens when the characters from Pirates of the Caribbean suddenly run into the fellowship? Find out in the secret diaries. Rated for grude humor and language.
1. Day 1 Aragorn

                                      **The Secret Adventures of the Fellowship**

_I decided that I was going to write a bunch of different diaries with the characters of Lord of the Rings meeting other characters of movies. I owe credit to Cassandra Claire for those brilliant writings of the Very Secret Diaries. The idea inspired me. With that said…_****

**Day 1**

**Aragorn**

            Waited forever for three new members of fellowship to get off the boat. Wasn't sure what to expect. Hoping for more of the hobbit type…not likely, seeing as every person who gets off this beast is mortal. As if I need to see what a disgruntled race we've really become. Frodo keeps fingering ring, repeatedly murmuring,

            "Mortals! Too many Mortals!"

            Sam is trying his hardest to quiet 'poor Mr. Frodo.' while Merry and Pippin amuse themselves by making fun of the different humans.

            Am becoming uneasy about the decision, for being fashionably late is one thing. Late is not a good thing when on first day of job.

Later…

Mortal girl approached us. Said her name was Elizabeth Swann. Would be pretty, except for the fact that her mouth never closes…and I have a girl friend. I think…what was her name? Elizabeth seemed overjoyed by the sight of hobbits. Will have to keep a sharp eye on this one. I may have to have a talk with her about Frodo…

            Gimli seemed overly pleased that woman was joining fellowship. Reminded him that he already had Galandriel. His reply, "She was last week."

            Next man to approach us was named William Turner. One look at Legolas and both men screamed and startled everyone. They looked freakishly alike. Almost like twins. Couldn't help but smirk at the fact that there's a person in this world that may be prettier than Legolas. Couldn't watch as they poked each other in awe. Attention was soon turned to the last man approaching us.s

            The man swaggered like a drunken elf, and what's with the eye make-up? And that hair? Legolas' collapsed at the sight of the scruffy, unshaven, hairy, man, and Merry and Pippin burst out laughing. Man introduced himself as Captain Jack Sparrow. I asked what he was captain of. He only laughed and whispered, annoyingly close to my face, "Pirate!" Did I mention his breath smelt of rum? Was forced to remain silent, as I do not know what 'Pirate' is. Might ask, for do not wish to presume. His sword was most tacky.


	2. Day 2 Legolas

**Day 2**

**Legolas**

            Night seemed to go on forever. Both Aragorn and Jack hummed songs, while Will kept checking his mirror. Most unnerving. Hobbits giggled all night as Elizabeth told stories over in corner. At least, I think she was telling stories…she would be pretty, but she never shuts her mouth. Suspect there is a slight chance Will might be prettier then me. When asked Elizabeth, she warned us to leave her alone or she'd strangle us both. Gimli sits in other corning gazing at her. Why? He used to do that with me! Refuse to believe she's prettier then me…stupid pretty mortals. Wonder how Will would look with a mow hawk? Ha, ha, ha. Where does Merry keep his razor? 

            Today started off towards Mount Doom. Why? Fordo's handling ring rather well. Except think ring is affecting Sam. He won't leave Frodo alone. Keeps offering to give back-rubs, and foot massages. Says it's brotherly love. Why hadn't he offered me one? Suspicious. Aragorn acting peculiar too. He had Jack show him how he did his eye make-up. Why didn't he come to me? I'm much better at that sort of stuff. Do I have to get drunk again to get any attention around here? _Pout. _Aragorn also has been carrying a bottle of something around with him. Not sure what the brownish liquid is, but suspect he got it from Jack. _Bloody pirate_. I did not just say that.__

Was quite delighted when Elizabeth agreed to do my hair. Now it's bleached blonde and perfect again! Hurrah! She also offered a bath and massage. Was tempted, but turned her down. Last time I took a bath at a girl's request, I got yelled at for plugging the bath with my shedding hair. Which I didn't. Stupid Galandriel. It's quite embarrassing to be accused of such an offense. It was probably _her_ hair, for she has more than I do. Even though elves aren't suppose to shed. Wonder what she'd do if she didn't have any more hair to give away?

            Am getting fed up with Will's corny lines and dumb romance attempts on Elizabeth, amusing as they are. Am started to think of plan. Barricade him in a ship.  Start a gunpowder trail, leading to a pile of ammo, then BOOM! Ship blows up and so does Will. Have to contact some friends and get it arranged. Then, wouldn't have the constant paranoia of who's prettier.


	3. Day 3 Gimli

**Day 3**

**Gimli**

            Today we climbed hill. Very large hill. Stupid blonde elf raced us to the top. Considered leaving him and going back down the hill. Only thing holding me back is pretty mortal, Elizabeth. Would be prettier if she shut her mouth. Oh well. No one is perfect. Not even blonde nancing elf. I know…

            Am sadden, for Elizabeth has taken a greater interest in the hobbits. Hobbits a bit wary for she is a large mortal. Think she may like small men. What about small dwarfs? Am thinking of plan to rid hobbits. Maybe, I'll take the ring, and hang it high in the tree. When Frodo is beckoned to it, he'll call for the other hobbits. Then, while their trying to get the ring down, the trap will spring and they'll be stuck in a net. Then I'll make them watch Flipper 300 times. HA! HA! Maybe then they'll be afraid of water…she'll have no choice but to choose me.

            Am considering taking an axe to Aragorn and Jack's head, as they won't stop singing _A Pirate's life for me._ Don't even know what a pirate is. Sam said it had something to do with a person who attacks and steals from ships at sea. Am not so sure, seeing the way he and Aragorn have become so _attached…_maybe I'll ask Jack. No. Can't show elf I don't know what a pirate is.

            Nancing Elf and Will are constantly at competition. I dared Pippin to smash Will's mirror. He did, but stupid mortal carries a spare. _I spit upon his grave_… Oh well. At least Legolas leaves me alone. No more stupid beauty care product questions. And no more 'will you do my hair?' or 'does this make me look fat?'. Honestly. The kid has no life. At least now someone can answer his stupid questions. Although, feel about ready to explode when Will asks the same questions. _Now there are two of them! _Although, I'm starting to miss Legolas' company. Sometimes, I catch myself looking longingly at him. Will never admit it to him, as he would laugh out loud. I miss it when he asks me if he can braid my hair in special elven ways. I miss it when he offers to carry me up large hills. I miss it when…never mind. Got a little carried away there.


	4. Day 4 Frodo

**Day 4**

**Frodo**

            Today we went through large forests. Aragorn carried me, without me asking. At least I think it was Aragorn. Getting hard to tell which is Aragorn and which is Jack. Oh, yes. This _is_ Aragorn. Larger sword (pause) if you know what I mean. It was a nice break just the same. Aragorn being overly friendly lately. Elizabeth lady seems nice, a little too personal if you ask me. Her pinches hurt. Won't leave us hobbits alone. Sam will kill her if she tries anything. Also, she would be prettier if she shut her mouth. How does she do that anyway? 

Gimli has started asking us dress and hair tips. Not sure why. He used to ask Legolas. He said something to the extent that we were lucky to look like hobbits… Legolas showed Will how to tie a bandana properly today, while Will showed Legolas how to wear his overly large hat properly. Big hat kind of a turn off. Bandana not half bad.

            In other news, Jack said something about running out of rum. Aragorn's first reaction was to run to the nearest tree and knock on it. Then he took three large, drunken, steps, jumped a couple of times, then opened a door that led into the ground. Jack asked him how he knew. Aragorn's only reply was "Rivendell Cinema". As he handed Jack a bottle of rum, Jack whirled around and yelled "WELCOME TO THE CARIBBEAN!"

            Merry and Pippin grabbed a bottle for themselves, and soon we were off again. Sam has been most kind, offering brotherly back and foot massages. Skin starting to hurt because of excessive rubbing. Ring starting to feel heavier. Or maybe it's all that rum I drank…I wonder if we'll ever get to Mount Doom. Aragorn isn't his usual tracking self and Jack is following a compass that doesn't point North. When pointed out, he replied that we weren't trying to find North. Think ring may be starting to affect him too.


	5. Day 5 Sam

**Day 5**

**Sam**

            Today we climbed through a labyrinth of razor sharp rocks. Feeling about ready to kick Legolas. I swear if that elf prances ahead to 'look for enemies' I'm going to…well, let's just hope we don't pass any cliffs. My job has become even more difficult. Not only do I have to deal with Aragorn, but now that persistent mortal woman, Elizabeth who never shuts her mouth. While she pinches poor Mr. Frodo to death, I have to keep Aragorn from pulling out his sword. Or maybe it's Jack. Can't really tell. Except Jack always says _'Savvy.'_ What is savvy? Most improper use of grammar.

            Have been giving Will lessons on how he can win Elizabeth back, though today, Merry told me Will fancies Gimli. Gross. I think Gimli likes Elizabeth…this could be good. Hopefully, either Gimli or Will can get Elizabeth out of Mr. Frodo's bubble, as it's getting harder to find time alone. He needs his back-rub and foot massage…I think they're all jealous that Mr. Frodo belongs to me, and I'll kill them if they try anything. Jack's rum was quite good, though it seems to be taking its toll on Aragorn. He's lost all tracking ability and this morning he walked into three trees, and somehow managed to trip over a boulder. Twit.

            Merry and Pippin enjoy the rum also, but there seems to be no effect on them. They somehow managed to catch our fish breakfast this morning using only their hands…still it's hard to believe. They also managed to forget to put out the fire. Which explains the large black cloud of smoke billowing from the prairie, miles back. Was also told by Mr. Frodo that Merry is trying to learn pointy hat trick. I didn't know he had a pointy hat. Small, insignificant hobbit (that's me) not use to these worldly ways. Must become more observant.

            Frodo said ring feels heavier. Told him it was a mix between a little too much rum and Elizabeth on his back. I think ring is affecting everyone. I think we should give the ring to the nancing elf that just ran ahead again. Then he can lead himself to his own doom. I swear, if he even…

            I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

            Now considering quitting this pathetic fellowship and taking Frodo with me. I'm sick of all these disgruntled, drunk mortals, love struck dwarfs, and nancing elves. Merry and Pippin not so bad. Rather enjoy their company. Everyone else must die before I go insane!!!


	6. Day 6 Merry

**Day 6**

**Merry**

            Are getting ever closer to Mount Doom. Had to walk through marshes. Legolas most annoying. Keeps complaining about all the mosquitoes and mud. Sam 'accidentally' shoved Legolas into the water. Now he's really complaining. Thinking about using blue bandana to gag him. Will was looking into water at what he though was his reflection. Nearly had a heart attack when he yelled bloody murder. I thought something serious had happened. Turned out his reflection was ugly beyond reason. Had to explain to moron that it was only dead person staring back up at him and mimicking him. He settled down after that.

            Frodo accidentally fell into water and was grabbed by dead people. Why does everyone want Frodo? I have a better sense of humor. Of course, Sam saved 'poor Mr. Frodo.' Pippin and I found it hysterical. He looked like a wet dog. Smelt like one too. Legolas offered him some cologne. Sam punched him. Legolas now pouting.

            Pippin told me today he looked up to Jack. I reminded him it was because he was a short hobbit whereas Jack is a tall mortal. He later explained he looked up to him as a role model. Poor Pippin. He has no one else. He now has to look up to a drunk mortal who hasn't shaved since the old age, who can't speak proper English, and has his entire wardrobe in his hair. Think he's just sucking up to Jack to get more rum.

            Aragorn starting to look like tall shaggy dwarf. A little manly stubble, quite a turn on. Now he's just freaky looking. Not to mention he loads on the mascara. Even Jack 'accidentally' splashed him in the face with water to clean off the make-up. Will also splashed him as to rid him of the smell. Lots of accidents happening today… Also, flying Ringwraiths swooped in. As we all ran for cover, Aragorn just stood there, laughing like an idiot. He still had his bottle of rum as he cheered and pointed, crying out, "look at the pretty bird!"

            Jack pulled out his pistol to shoot the moron, but Gimli held him back. Aragorn suddenly decided to do the Macarena. Considered taking Sting and finishing the job myself. Pippin laughed aloud when Aragorn shook his touch vigorously and jumped. Sam also laughed as Aragorn tried singing the Spanish words in Elvish. Most pathetic human I've ever seen. Oh well. Scared away flying Ringwraith. 

            Elizabeth most annoying as she won't leave us hobbits alone…she needs to shut her mouth. Please!! Also, found out she took ring from Frodo, she was afraid he was a wizard in disguise. She said 'that would have been terrible!' Stupid mortal. Explains why Frodo's been running up to everybody and slapping them across the face yelling, "It's mine! I found it! It came to ME!" Gimli somehow got ring back to Frodo, who stroked it whispering, "My precious…my own. My PRECIOUS!" Elizabeth no longer speaking to Gimli. Gimli took it out on Legolas challenging him to a fight. Legolas simply ran away.

            Thinking about getting another Mohawk. Don't know what Legolas did with razor. Also, thinking of leaving fellowship to go find some ripe vegetables. They're good to eat and they keep Pippin distracted from going anywhere near Jack. A carrot sounds nice about now…


	7. Day 7 Pippin

**Day 7**

**Pippin**

            Arrived at Mount Doom, only to have Jack tell us that he had a meeting in Tortuga in two hours, so we were forced to turn around. Elizabeth has now cut her hair so it looks identical to ours. Kind of freaky, especially since she never shuts her mouth. Merry has gone so far as to get a Mohawk. Very cool. Thinking afro is more my style, Jack said he would fix my hair like his. Hurrah! Legolas refuses to change his hair, even though Will offered to do it for him. Merry and I have a plan for Legolas tonight…Gimli in huffy mood, says he wants to look like Hobbit. Offered to help, but Legolas won't let him. Getting fed up with bossy elf. Asked Jack if I could borrow pistol. Told me he only had one shot left. Told him it was for elf. Now carry a pistol…

            Aragorn ran out of rum. Somewhat back to normal. Pouting that he missed the entire mission, and that he's out of rum. Keeps mumbling something about not yet being King. Merry says if Aragorn gave everybody free rum, he'd be king. Yeah right. And I'd be Jack's wife…Will critiqued Sting today. Said since he was a blacksmith, he was fascinated by swords. When he said the color blue was most tacky, Frodo tried to slice his throat. Sam had no objections. 

            Sam told Elizabeth that Gimli was actually a hobbit. He was just more hairy because he was the bravest and strongest hobbit of them all. Now Gimli has both Elizabeth and Aragorn waiting on him. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's rather enjoying it. Sam also told Legolas and Will that there was a Cost Cutters miles back. He told them that today only there was a special where you could get free haircuts, washings, and manicures. Haven't seen either of them for an hour now. Haven't seen Sam or Frodo for a while either. Huh. 

            Merry found some fresh vegetables. Said he got them from Haldir…I don't believe him. Said they needed to be washed, so while Jack took a short nap, we stole his hat and used it as a sink. Unfortunately, he woke up and yelled, "Fool of a Took!" and took back his hat…I think he likes me. Merry is most upset. He went off and had a pout. When I went to find him he was conversing among trees. Decided to join him. Who needs the fellowship anyway, maybe if I find some decent pipe weed I'll meet up with them again? Although, going to miss Jack. Oh, well. At least I have his pistol to remember him by…


End file.
